I m tired of complaining and feeling miserable but I just can't help it. And to make things worst, it's Christmas, I mean I should be smiling all the time, singing carols and loving everybody.And I dont. I dont feel like smling, hearing carols makes me angry and there are very few persons at this moment that I love.
Being back at home for the holidays is not as great as i thought it would be.Except for my family, i think i adjusted back to being in the same house with 3 other persons -and not alone anymore-very weel and immediately.For the rest...it sucks.I missed my friends, but not all of them missed me and that's what bugs me the most. I feel that for the past few years i have been giving a lot, in every aspect, and i now realize that i m not getting much.Now that i need to see them and i need to feel loved, not lonely any more, no one cares.
Everyone has their boyfriend, job or i dont know what and in theory say they missed me and "how long will u stay there?(sad face)!" but what's the difference?I mean, i ve been gone for 3 moths, we have had barely contact-barely meaning one mail and one sms-, although P.does have internet at work every day and now I m back i have to almost beg M. to see her alone.Her boyfriend is ok, i like him, but sometimes i just want to see my friend ALONE.
They are together almost every day for the past 3 years, they stay together a lot,so how hard can it be to make plans to do something with your best friend(as she calls me)when she comes back just for two weeks???And i have said that i dont know when i ll be coming back to Greece.
I dont want to be mean, but what will happen if they break up?M will be left all alone, because she now only has 2 friends, one of which(me)is in France for an undefined period...Hasn't she thought about that?I mean , realtionships fall apart all the time, even long ones...
For P. i dont mind that much, she is too reserved i now realize, after 3 months she has nothing new to say, she shares nothing form her life and i share everything.I dont need that, i want warm people, who now how to be friends,how to give, not only receive.
They are both attached to the hip with their boyfriends, since they started dating they do almost nothing alone, i find it horrible and in the beginning it was really hard to get used to that because i m not at all like them.Ofcourse i do a lot of stuff with my bf-WHEN I have one-but i want some space for me and my friends. I finally decided to let it go, because I can't expect everyone to be like me and i considered them my friends, so I decided to love them with their faults.And everyone was tired of hearing me complaining about the situation.
But now i feel it's different, i need my friends, well i need M. and ithink i have made it as clear as i can, without complaining.I wont beg anymore to do stuff together like normal friends, without dragging her boyfriend with us, because i m sick and tired of that.Really.I have started losing patience.I just wont say anything anymore, but at some point i know i ll explode and i may react in an ugly way.
But i just cant understand her.Doesnt she feel the need to spend time with the only friends she has left?Is her boyfriend fullfilling every need ?Doesnt she get it that i feel lonely and i need my friend?I s she a real friend at the end of the day?
And that's why this holiday sucks.I have too many second thoughts about my frineds, i just broke up with N. and i miss him much more than I thought I would, i feel lonely and that noone really loves me except from my family, i dont want to go back to Strasbourg.I am focusing in what I dont have and not on what i have and it's a pity.I have a really nice life and for the past weeks I can't help it but feel miserable.
Maybe I need really good new years resolutions.Really strong ones. Like stop contact with persons i feel are not giving me anything, even if that means cutting off those i used to consider friends of mine and however hard it maybe.Or stop talking with my exes, completely and for good.Never again be angry or even bother with the stupid one from my classroom, even if we are eating inthe same table and I can't avoid him.And always, always smile and focus on the good stuff.
God i really need a good start for 2009, a really good start, but i dont see it coming...Or at least a really great year, even if the start sucks-i want new friends, an internship and a really, really good boyfriend!
A few hours later...
Went for dinner at TGI Fridays, then watched on TV a really sweet film-i think it's called Dan in Real Life-and i'm officially feeling much better, much closer to my old self.
I went out dining with the above mentioned couples(P+A, M+G) and I had fun , thank God!Well,P+A continue to be boring, but they are kind and the other two are funnier, so it's OK.Still have those second thoughts about our friendship, but maybe i can put it aside for the holidays and think about it later.
On Monday, i might be going out shopping and having coffee with M and I didn't have to beg about that, so that's more OK!And coming home, i found two sweet messages on my facebook from a friend and a friend of a friend who also lives in Strasbourg and i was happy, some people still think about me from time to time!
Oh, that sounds sooo lame:P
Food at TGIs was great as always, what wasn't great was the waitress, she was the most obnoxious I have ever come across at a TGIs.Maybe she was having a bad day.Or maybe every waiter there is like that because they are working at the chic quartier of Athens.Shop keepers and sales men/saleswomen have the same atitude there and i despise them for that. I mean there is nothing wrong with being a salesman or a waitress, but if u think that because u r working at that particuliar quartier gives u the right to be rude with customers...it forces me to think that u r really stupid.I just wanted to yell at her "YOU ARE ONLY A WAITRESS!GET A GRIP AND LOOSE THE ATTITUDE!" . But i will probably never do it, i fear confronting people.However, sometimes i play in my head scenes where i am confronting someone and then i say a lot of cool and mean stuff...pity i ll never use it in real life:P
The film made me feel a lot better, one of those american feel good movies, but it had something different, it wasn't too corny or too pink, but it still gives u hope and i actually believe there can be families like that.
I know what i want for next christmas:to spend it with someone really special, laughing , drinking hot chocolate and making love by the fire, in a wooden house in Rhode Island, just in front of the sea!And crosswords are a must!And if he had a big, sweet and funny family would be nice, but i thik that this would exclude haveing sex by the fireplace...Oh i just want a really warm christmas, with lots of love and christmas carols and happy faces and pancakes and...
Being back at home for the holidays is not as great as i thought it would be.Except for my family, i think i adjusted back to being in the same house with 3 other persons -and not alone anymore-very weel and immediately.For the rest...it sucks.I missed my friends, but not all of them missed me and that's what bugs me the most. I feel that for the past few years i have been giving a lot, in every aspect, and i now realize that i m not getting much.Now that i need to see them and i need to feel loved, not lonely any more, no one cares.
Everyone has their boyfriend, job or i dont know what and in theory say they missed me and "how long will u stay there?(sad face)!" but what's the difference?I mean, i ve been gone for 3 moths, we have had barely contact-barely meaning one mail and one sms-, although P.does have internet at work every day and now I m back i have to almost beg M. to see her alone.Her boyfriend is ok, i like him, but sometimes i just want to see my friend ALONE.
They are together almost every day for the past 3 years, they stay together a lot,so how hard can it be to make plans to do something with your best friend(as she calls me)when she comes back just for two weeks???And i have said that i dont know when i ll be coming back to Greece.
I dont want to be mean, but what will happen if they break up?M will be left all alone, because she now only has 2 friends, one of which(me)is in France for an undefined period...Hasn't she thought about that?I mean , realtionships fall apart all the time, even long ones...
For P. i dont mind that much, she is too reserved i now realize, after 3 months she has nothing new to say, she shares nothing form her life and i share everything.I dont need that, i want warm people, who now how to be friends,how to give, not only receive.
They are both attached to the hip with their boyfriends, since they started dating they do almost nothing alone, i find it horrible and in the beginning it was really hard to get used to that because i m not at all like them.Ofcourse i do a lot of stuff with my bf-WHEN I have one-but i want some space for me and my friends. I finally decided to let it go, because I can't expect everyone to be like me and i considered them my friends, so I decided to love them with their faults.And everyone was tired of hearing me complaining about the situation.
But now i feel it's different, i need my friends, well i need M. and ithink i have made it as clear as i can, without complaining.I wont beg anymore to do stuff together like normal friends, without dragging her boyfriend with us, because i m sick and tired of that.Really.I have started losing patience.I just wont say anything anymore, but at some point i know i ll explode and i may react in an ugly way.
But i just cant understand her.Doesnt she feel the need to spend time with the only friends she has left?Is her boyfriend fullfilling every need ?Doesnt she get it that i feel lonely and i need my friend?I s she a real friend at the end of the day?
And that's why this holiday sucks.I have too many second thoughts about my frineds, i just broke up with N. and i miss him much more than I thought I would, i feel lonely and that noone really loves me except from my family, i dont want to go back to Strasbourg.I am focusing in what I dont have and not on what i have and it's a pity.I have a really nice life and for the past weeks I can't help it but feel miserable.
Maybe I need really good new years resolutions.Really strong ones. Like stop contact with persons i feel are not giving me anything, even if that means cutting off those i used to consider friends of mine and however hard it maybe.Or stop talking with my exes, completely and for good.Never again be angry or even bother with the stupid one from my classroom, even if we are eating inthe same table and I can't avoid him.And always, always smile and focus on the good stuff.
God i really need a good start for 2009, a really good start, but i dont see it coming...Or at least a really great year, even if the start sucks-i want new friends, an internship and a really, really good boyfriend!
A few hours later...
Went for dinner at TGI Fridays, then watched on TV a really sweet film-i think it's called Dan in Real Life-and i'm officially feeling much better, much closer to my old self.
I went out dining with the above mentioned couples(P+A, M+G) and I had fun , thank God!Well,P+A continue to be boring, but they are kind and the other two are funnier, so it's OK.Still have those second thoughts about our friendship, but maybe i can put it aside for the holidays and think about it later.
On Monday, i might be going out shopping and having coffee with M and I didn't have to beg about that, so that's more OK!And coming home, i found two sweet messages on my facebook from a friend and a friend of a friend who also lives in Strasbourg and i was happy, some people still think about me from time to time!
Oh, that sounds sooo lame:P
Food at TGIs was great as always, what wasn't great was the waitress, she was the most obnoxious I have ever come across at a TGIs.Maybe she was having a bad day.Or maybe every waiter there is like that because they are working at the chic quartier of Athens.Shop keepers and sales men/saleswomen have the same atitude there and i despise them for that. I mean there is nothing wrong with being a salesman or a waitress, but if u think that because u r working at that particuliar quartier gives u the right to be rude with customers...it forces me to think that u r really stupid.I just wanted to yell at her "YOU ARE ONLY A WAITRESS!GET A GRIP AND LOOSE THE ATTITUDE!" . But i will probably never do it, i fear confronting people.However, sometimes i play in my head scenes where i am confronting someone and then i say a lot of cool and mean stuff...pity i ll never use it in real life:P
The film made me feel a lot better, one of those american feel good movies, but it had something different, it wasn't too corny or too pink, but it still gives u hope and i actually believe there can be families like that.
I know what i want for next christmas:to spend it with someone really special, laughing , drinking hot chocolate and making love by the fire, in a wooden house in Rhode Island, just in front of the sea!And crosswords are a must!And if he had a big, sweet and funny family would be nice, but i thik that this would exclude haveing sex by the fireplace...Oh i just want a really warm christmas, with lots of love and christmas carols and happy faces and pancakes and...
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